When I think I think I shouldn't think

I think of all the things the world offers and of how insignificantly few are those I dare experience.

I think of the overwhelming, the breathtaking, the striking and then of my daily routine.

I think of the selfishness of having 1 life.

I think of the unfairness of not having the option to make the most out of it.

The less I think, the happier I am.

Despre cum scrisul si cititul sunt bune ca painea calda

Cred ca de multe ori scrisul este cel mai bun medicament. Cum ar fi sa mergem la doctor si in loc de medicamente sa ne prescrie scrisul? De exemplu:

- Buna ziua, ati putea sa-mi dati ceva de nervi intinsi la maxim?
- Absolut! Fa-ti un jurnal si scrie-ti toate of-urile.
- Mmm, pai si daca mi-l gaseste cineva si il citeste?
- Atunci fa-ti un jurnal online ca sa scapi de un stres.

Ce tare ar fi nu? Un fel de placebo doar ca in loc sa ingurgitezi un pseudo-medicament, scuipi afara un of/ un gand/ o traire/ o aspiratie/ o fabulatie. Si zau daca placebo-ul asta nu face bine si aproapelui. Vorbesc in cunostinta de cauza: una din modalitatile de relaxare ale neuronului meu este sa citeasca un blog. Si uite asa iti vindeci nevrozele si pe ale altora fara sa mai afectezi si alte organe/parti ale corpului.

2 faces

Some people are just awesome. Those are the people that no matter what they do they do it right. It is always impressive to see a good professional, a well raised and mannered man/woman, a kind-hearted individual, a strong and confident yet modest person, whatever would commonly fall in the good people category. But when all these can be found in 1 single person it makes me feel so small and insignificant that, for a while, I'm stuck between speechless awe, sincere admiration and exhaustive self consciousness. It is such a beautiful yet bitter feeling. Bitter, not because I would be envious but because I'm my worst critic; and remember! the sum of all vices is always constant, i.e. either you are the envious or the over-self-critical type(or the indifferent type!boo!) none of these is better for you than the other. Just like sweetness, bitterness is there too. No doubt everything in this world comes two-faced. LITERALLY.

Life is never just pink!

However, awesome people are a true inspiration <3

I am what I am

When you told me, it was as if the world crashed down on my head. I was completely dumbfounded; and still am. It is with much effort that I gather now my thoughts and write them down hoping this will help me digest everything and find a solution.

Not only I could not believe my ears but I couldn't believe the way you said 3 as if it were 3 days or 3 months. I didn't see this coming; I expected you to start laughing and tell me you were joking. That didn't happen. I, then, expected you to realize just what your words really mean (at least to me if not to you) but no, that didn't happen also. Then, (and, for this, I won't ever again accept and take for granted people calling me a pessimist; how can you be a pessimist while trying to make things work? While hurting others while trying to make things work? While suffering while hurting others while trying to make things work? HOW, ON GOD'S NAME, CAN THAT BE CALLED PESSIMISM? What is then optimism? Hoping to do something? While nothing is really done?)  I wanted you to tell me that this is how you thought of it but that you are willing to accept anything else as long as it might work. You didn't. I told you I felt like I was waking up from a dream (if what I had till then can be called a dream) only to find myself in a nightmare.

At least I know now where I stand, where you stand and where us is. Despite this crash-boom-bang of sorts, I do prefer an ugly truth instead of a pretty lill lie. My mistake, again; (is it really always my fault? If not, why am I always the one apologizing?) I should have brought this up earlier since it is of utmost importance to me; to us, eventually. Why do people presume???? If I could change anything right now, I'd disable the ability of the world to presume.

Anyway, I cannot, wish not and will not wait for another 3 years. At least if we could be sure of the outcome... I waited enough, I hoped enough, I tried too much and way too long to understand the many whys behind the happenings and given situations, I wasted my best, let's not say for nothing (because I did learn something out of it, because I do love you more everyday) but, I can honestly say, for the same results which bring me back to the starting point. I've been running in circles.

How have you been?

I know that when is about 2 you don't start sentences with I but it seems that not only we don't know what we want but we don't know what the other wants also. That's why am resuming to the hateful I, because I obviously have difficulties handling and understanding the vastness of the self not to mention the endless of the us or we. I wish I could do your part too, but with some things is absolutely impossible.

I don't know what you want anymore, I still don't know what I want but I am sure of what I don't want:

• I don't want a life without you
• I don't want to give anything up
• I don't want to be a loser
• I don't want anything else except the things I want
• I don't want to wait for yet 3 more years

Either I am too hazardous and irrational or you are too weak. Or both. Or none.

In the end, does it really matter? Not as long as the result is the same.

We are what we are: not only endlessly apart but also utterly confused