I am what I am

When you told me, it was as if the world crashed down on my head. I was completely dumbfounded; and still am. It is with much effort that I gather now my thoughts and write them down hoping this will help me digest everything and find a solution.

Not only I could not believe my ears but I couldn't believe the way you said 3 as if it were 3 days or 3 months. I didn't see this coming; I expected you to start laughing and tell me you were joking. That didn't happen. I, then, expected you to realize just what your words really mean (at least to me if not to you) but no, that didn't happen also. Then, (and, for this, I won't ever again accept and take for granted people calling me a pessimist; how can you be a pessimist while trying to make things work? While hurting others while trying to make things work? While suffering while hurting others while trying to make things work? HOW, ON GOD'S NAME, CAN THAT BE CALLED PESSIMISM? What is then optimism? Hoping to do something? While nothing is really done?)  I wanted you to tell me that this is how you thought of it but that you are willing to accept anything else as long as it might work. You didn't. I told you I felt like I was waking up from a dream (if what I had till then can be called a dream) only to find myself in a nightmare.

At least I know now where I stand, where you stand and where us is. Despite this crash-boom-bang of sorts, I do prefer an ugly truth instead of a pretty lill lie. My mistake, again; (is it really always my fault? If not, why am I always the one apologizing?) I should have brought this up earlier since it is of utmost importance to me; to us, eventually. Why do people presume???? If I could change anything right now, I'd disable the ability of the world to presume.

Anyway, I cannot, wish not and will not wait for another 3 years. At least if we could be sure of the outcome... I waited enough, I hoped enough, I tried too much and way too long to understand the many whys behind the happenings and given situations, I wasted my best, let's not say for nothing (because I did learn something out of it, because I do love you more everyday) but, I can honestly say, for the same results which bring me back to the starting point. I've been running in circles.

How have you been?

I know that when is about 2 you don't start sentences with I but it seems that not only we don't know what we want but we don't know what the other wants also. That's why am resuming to the hateful I, because I obviously have difficulties handling and understanding the vastness of the self not to mention the endless of the us or we. I wish I could do your part too, but with some things is absolutely impossible.

I don't know what you want anymore, I still don't know what I want but I am sure of what I don't want:

• I don't want a life without you
• I don't want to give anything up
• I don't want to be a loser
• I don't want anything else except the things I want
• I don't want to wait for yet 3 more years

Either I am too hazardous and irrational or you are too weak. Or both. Or none.

In the end, does it really matter? Not as long as the result is the same.

We are what we are: not only endlessly apart but also utterly confused